


a glimpse through an interstice

by konvalija



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Teen Titans - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Childhood Trauma, Depression, F/F, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 15:16:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10879479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/konvalija/pseuds/konvalija
Summary: After getting away from her abusive father all Raven’s energy still goes to keeping herself together. In an attempt to find her something to focus on her mother drags her to ballet class where Raven’s attention is immediately drawn to the best student, Cassandra Cain-Wayne.





	a glimpse through an interstice

walt whitman “glimpse”

> A glimpse through an interstice caught,  
> Of a crowd of workmen and drivers in a bar-room around the   
> stove late of a winter night, and I unremark’d seated in a   
> corner,  
> Of a youth who loves me and whom I love, silently approaching   
> and seating himself near, that he may hold me by the hand,  
> A long while amid the noises of coming and going, of drinking   
> and oath and smutty jest,  
> There we two, content, happy in being together, speaking little,  
> perhaps not a word.

This is not a story.

That’s why a story, Raven muses, has to have a beginning, a middle and an end. Experience A leading to experience B leading to foreshadowed climax, small dots connecting into a bigger image. If there’s a rifle, it will go off.

„Raven, hello! Do you even listen to me?”

Small wooden table has a crack on its surface. She looks away, raises gaze to meet her mothers’ who sighs heavily. „I know you do, you just want me to get frustrated and let it go. You loved ballet as a kid!”

„I've been to few lessons when I was five. That was one broken ankle and puberty ago.”  
  
Arella bites her lip and Raven knows she will agree to this insanity so any arguing from this point will be for her own sake. She owes this much to her mom, she guesses.

Arella sighs and sits down next to Raven. „That was so much more ago” she says quietly. „You broke your ankle because you were so careless among those other kids and I just thought it might be nice to, I don’t know, revisit that, I guess?”

Raven suspects her mother realizes, deep down, how much of a wishful thinking it is but there is that tiny twinkle of hope in Arella’s eyes and Raven thinks she deserves letting herself fall for that.

And soon this whole idea will blow over like all its predecessors.

##  *******

This could be a terrible idea. One of those ideas that might be regretted years later.

It’s a small studio, both literally and figuratively. Meant for amateurs, those who don’t plan on and have no chance of career, said the owner, a friend of Arella’s, with only two groups, amateurs and advanced.

The owner describes advantages of the first group, her mother smiles and Raven clenches her hands, there’s setting cement and hardening concrete in her rib cage.

She mumbles some excuse and leaves her mother with her friend, decides to get herself acquainted with this place. Forces her shoulder muscles to unknot.

To be frank, there isn't much to get acquainted with. One locker room, hallway dubbing as a waiting room, an office and, of course, dance room. It’s all simple, with minimalist furniture but has that casual charm non-corporate places tend to keep. It’s nothing like that studio from almost fifteen years ago, that one was all tasteful furniture, thoughtful decorations, open spaces and various groups and rooms, all with purpose setting into crooks and nooks of your bones. Her father’s daughter was never to be placed anywhere below.

The dance room itself is the biggest room in the building, spacious, with mirrors on one wall and barres on the other one.

It’s also apparently occupied.

There’s a girl stretching on the floor, legs wide apart, upper body bending low to the floor. When she hears the door open she slowly pushes herself up; Raven freezes in place trailing her eyes over the girl’s back, from Venusian dimples below her crop top, over vertebrae visible under her tight skin, to the outline of her shoulder muscles, eventually meeting the girl’s eyes in the mirror on the wall opposite from them.

Her eyes are deep chocolate, molten and thick, rich in color, nothing like Raven’s icy blues. The girl moves her gaze downwards slowly, taking Raven in. She shifts and ignores that, in turn takes in the girl’s pale face, dark eyes, slim nose, round cheeks, waiting for her to be the one to speak up.

Raven frowns a little. She looks familiar, not like someone she would know personally, more like someone she feels like she should know.

It hits her right when the girl brings her legs together and stands up, turning around in a quick, graceful motion.

Cassandra Cain, she muses. Ominous name for an ominous girl?

She smiles, probably recognizing realization in Raven’s eyes. “Just Cass,” she says.

Raven can’t help but smile back a little. “Just Raven.”

Cass snorts, stretching her arms behind her back, pushing out her chest and elongating her petite athletic body in result. She walks to the door on tiptoes, lets Raven’s sight follow her movements, all subtle hip swing and brushing their shoulders in passing. Hand on a doorknob, she turns around a little, lifts up one corner of her mouth, gives Raven one last assessing look. “Hope to see you again here.”

With those words, Raven is left alone in the room. She presses one hand to her chest, feels her heart beat a little faster.

She imagines her fingernails lightly scraping down those hard muscles, feels phantom hands gripping her thighs hard, shivers running down her spine.

She hopes to see her again too.

This could be a terrible idea.

##  *******

„Hey.”

She jumps a little, almost drops her bag. When she turns around Cass Cain is watching her with focused dark eyes. „Um. Hey?”

„You need to relax your muscles. You look stiff when you dance.”

Raven blinks. And again. And again. She could blink herself into old age and this situation would still make no sense. She quickly goes through mental catalog of possible witty answers and even though Cass Cain is still simply watching her, looking completely at ease, she decides it’s been too long and says the first thing she thinks of when she opens her mouth. „You’re not really helping it with your comment, you know?”

Well. At least this time her first thought was the truth.

Cass purses her lips a bit, looks her up and down, like she’s slowly assessing her. „I am. You would know if you… weren't so confusing.”

She grabs her own bag and walks away, leaving Raven stunned and unsettled.

_She_ was confusing?

##  *******

A little girl is drawing a picture at the table across from her. Raven feels like observing people is a bit of an ill-mannered cliche but the girl’s father has his arm around his daughter and she leans into him completely content. Raven’s own back itches uncomfortably.

“…so once the registration is set up we can kick off the project. Which you would know if you listened to any of my rants this week.”

Raven blinks and looks at her mother sitting across from her. “Sorry?”

Arella, clearly prepared for a snarky reply, if her raised eyebrow is any indicator, frowns, worry twinkling in the back of her eyes already. “Is the crowd too much? Does your head hurt?”

She shakes her head a little. “No, no, it’s fine. I don’t have those… aches anymore.”

Arella bites her lip, watches Raven’s face for a while. “How is the group?”

Raven shifts in her chair, massages her neck for a moment, feels tension settle in her shoulders. “Fine. New girl joined, talked on her first go so that was nice.”

“Raven.”

“That’s how it was last time I went.”

Arella closes her eyes, probably counts to ten and Raven knows she’s about to be told off in the most loving way possible. “I’m not mad.” Yes, she is. But when she sighs and opens her eyes she looks tired most of all. “I’m just worried. Raven, if you’re not dealing, you can tell me, you know…”

“Mom.” She feels guilty now but serves her right, she guesses. “I’m fine. There’s just a lot on my mind, that’s it.”

There’s weariness in her bones that she sees reflected in her mother’s eyes.

She’s fine.

She has to be.

## ***

The thing is, she IS dealing. Coping. Present tense emphasized. She doesn't need more time, different approach or surroundings. She just needs to be. To let herself breathe. To get through an hour, a day, a month, a year.

How many times can it be said before it’s understood?

“You’re troubled. More than usual.”

Cass’ attempts to catch her attention have been getting more and more bold in past weeks and Raven is running out of patience to make polite but guarded comebacks. She slams shut the locker door. “You’re annoying. More than usual.”

Cass frowns, as if she didn't expect that answer. She always does, even though they are all she’s been getting. She watches Raven closely, focusing on her back and hands, which makes Raven want to frown, even though it’s all she’s been getting. What a match.

“You’re a puzzle to me.” That makes Raven stop. There’s something confused and vulnerable in Cass’ voice, quiet soft way in which she says those word, not even looking at Raven but at her own hands. “You sound annoyed but you’re never mad.” Raven raises her eyebrow. How would she know? “You fidget when you’re mad. Clench your hands, scratch, your shoulders get tense. It never happens with me.” She shakes her head. “I just don’t understand.”

Raven blinks. She didn't think Cass was paying that much attention to her, although she wonders whether that’s why her gaze always makes her feel unnerved. She hopes that’s why.

“So…” she starts and pauses, unsure what she wants to ask about. If she wants to ask. ”…you’re trying to… solve me?”

She almost cringes at how silly it sounded but Cass seems to be seriously considering that question, tipping her head to the side, exposing left side of her neck, her tendons slightly strained. Raven swallows.

“Yes.” She nods finally.

Raven shifts, brushes hair behind her ear, lets it loose again. She sighs, puffing out her cheeks a little. “Good luck then, I guess.”

Cass gives her last fleeting look, purses her lips. “Yes. I’ll need it, I think.”

She leaves and Raven, without a thought, reaches to her shoulders to loosen them up before she realizes she’s completely relaxed.

Well. Cass has her puzzle and Raven has her own.

##  *******

Once upon a time, before Gotham and before ballet, there was an office, big spacious kind, with tall windows and a desk made of dark wood. There were pencils and fountain pens and sheets of paper and ticking clock and distressed hushed voices and strong hands gripping tiny arms.

After that office, there was another one. Tiny thing that could make you feel like walls were closing in, especially with them covered in bookshelves and frames upon frames, diplomas mixing in with thank-you cards put together by unskillful hands. There were soothing voices and calming open looks, things you expected and things you hoped for.

And there was the journal. The bridge between two spaces, two voices, vowing together beginnings and ends.

The bridge that has been severed on its route to Gotham.

Raven looks at it now, its simple dark blue hardcover, flips through pages, some filled with pristine calligraphy, few hastily scrambled, some with doodles covering up words. She knows the handwriting is hers but the words seem to belong to someone else, someone more restless, more on the edge, more abrasive, less weary.

She flips through the pages but doesn't read any of them. She doesn't think she would like that girl.

Once upon a time, she used the journal to ground herself. To write down everything she knew, thought she should know, what others might have to know. When she last closed the cover it was in belief she’s capable of sorting through her thoughts on her own now.

Her judgement has never been praise-worthy.

She clicks a pen few times. Might as well start with writing down things she was sure of.

She is a daughter. Her mother’s, first and foremost, always. That was the only familiar relationship that mattered. She is a friend, a best friend to one which was more than she’s thought she was capable of before. More than she’s thought she’s needed before.

_Things you know, things you know…_

She likes tea. Herbs don’t call her nerves but the warmth does. She makes sure to force herself through one book a month. One day she might earn the bookworm label back. She’s a high school graduate, one day might be a college graduate. As if…

_No. Things you know._

She’s learning how to cook. Hasn't learned a lot so far. She’s vegetarian. Sure in this decision, at least. She isn't angry anymore…

…isn't much of anything anymore.

Raven slams the journal closed. Maybe it was to be left in the tiny office after all.

##  *******

She shouldn't have come here tonight.

She woke up nauseous, the kind of nauseous, she realized with terrible sinking feeling in her gut, that had nothing to do with her stomach. It wasn't the first time but she hoped she was past the last one.

She lied in bed for as long as she could without worrying her mother, her bones weighing her down, anchoring her to the bed, tried to breathe and relax muscle after muscle, until her limbs were steady enough to let her regain her composure.

It’s good, she thought, you have one thing down. Just get through the day, it will be fine.

It wasn't fine but she had it under control.

Up until now.

Her legs aren't stable enough for any exercise, she feels too exposed in such a small group, her skin feels cold, her hands shake a little.

Just a bit more, she tells herself, a bit more and you’ll be fine, you’ll be away from here.

And then her breath catches.

No.

no no no no no no no no _nononononononono_ -

not here not again not _ever_ -

She doesn't hear her own excuse as she stumbles to the door, straining leg muscles to make it look more controlled.

Why now, after _so long_ -

She reaches the locker room before her chest tightens.

\- just keep it together, get to the bench, one full breath, Raven, you can do this, only one and it’s _over_ -

Fingers grab at her shirt, cold and damp, her own, her chest raises and falls quicker and quicker and she can’t breathe but she can’t _stop_ and she can feel tears welling up in her eyes, throat closing up more and more and _oh God_ what if t’s not it this time what if this is it her own body will just reject itself this is _the end_ -

Part of her, detached and far away, part that seems to belong to someone else now, registers someone crouching in front of her and a loud, steady voice.

„Raven.”

She thinks she knows that voice but she can’t think now, can’t they _see_ -

„You will be fine. Eyes on me. Breath with me.”

Through the mist and the noise in her ears she can see the person inhale and exhale and she tries to imitate them, one deep breath and she _can’t_ but she _tries_ , she can’t the second, the third, the fourth is easier, she hears the voice say „good” and next breaths come with gratitude, she’s fine, it’s fine, it will be over soon-

She takes one full breath.

A second.

The third is almost less shaky.

She closes her eyes, focuses on her slowing heartbeat, takes few deep breaths more and steels herself to meet Cass’ gaze.

Cass is watching her with attentive eyes, her jaw muscles clenched, her whole body tense, like she’s preparing herself for something. Somehow it makes Raven relax a little.

Eventually Cass does the same and sits on the bench next to her. She lets her calm down some more before she speaks. „It wasn't your first.”

The words and the collected, matter-of-fact tone of voice wasn't what Raven was prepared for. „Um, no. It just… it hasn't happened in a while. I didn't… it caught me off guard.”

She hugs herself, squeezes her arms to steady herself. They sit so close she can feel Cass’ body warmth but she doesn't move. „You’re ashamed.”

Raven blinks. Trust Cassandra Cain to get straight to the point. „Yeah, well, it’s not really something I’d ever want other people to see.”

Cass considers her words for a minute. She bends down a little, rests her elbows on her lap to get in Raven’s line of sight. „I have seen… panic attacks before. I have siblings. We all have… stories.”

Raven’s stomach clenches. Everyone knows Wayne gives home to kids with a _past_. It’s a different thing to know and to realize you understand, though.

She licks her lips and ignores the fact that Cass does the same. „Do you have? Stories, I mean?”

Cass hums. „As many as you probably.”

She can feel herself smile a little. Cass reciprocates. Distance between them seems to have lessened a bit.

Somewhere outside door opens and closes. Well. Moment over.

Raven straightens her back and takes another deep breath to clear her head. „I should… I want to go. Thanks for… thanks.”

Cass gets up. „Let me walk you.”

She could decline. She knows Cass would understand. Instead, she nods.

It’s cold outside. It’s been for a while.

She doesn't really want that warmth to leave her side.

##  *******

Kori’s room has always seemed like a safety net to Raven. A place to pick herself up again and again, with Kori’s comforting words or silence. Her friend’s presence itself seemed to help her figure herself out and make sense of things.

No wonder she found herself sitting on Kori’s bed now.

“Cass Cain? Ah, I know this one. She’s in my krav maga class. Pretty intimidating, I have to say. You know, the whole quiet mysterious loner vibe.”

“She just has a speech impediment, Kori.”

“Doesn’t make her less bad ass.” Kori folds a shirt in her lap and picks up another from a pile next to her. “You’d look cute in this one.”

“You say that about everything.”

“Because you’re cute in general,” Kori beams at her and Raven rolls her eyes with an affectionate smile. “I’m sure that girl of yours would agree.”

“She’s not mine.”

“Give it time.” Kori looks at her, raising her eyebrow and Raven knows what she’s about to say. “Is that why you weren't at the last meeting or do you just want me to kick your ass again?”

Raven cringes. She knows she brought it on herself but Kori’s disappointment is almost physically painful. “I will be at the next one, okay? I’m still emotionally scarred from last ass kicking.”

Kori watches her. Raven doesn't meet her gaze; she knows Kori will understand. They've done this many times before, dropped one thing to pick up another to go back to it in a while. They’ll talk when she knows what exactly to talk about. So Kori leaves it for now and teases her to let her know. “Hmm, you’re going to share with the group then? Not many people were graced with being talked to by small, dark and handsome, you know.”

“There’s nothing to share. Also, isn't there some code against sharing details about your celebrity acquaintances?”

“I feel like it’s statistically impossible not to run into Wayne’s kids at least once, given how many there are.”

“I feel like this is not how statistics really work but I get the point.”

Kori moves aside clothes between them to press her side against Raven’s. She then grins and starts telling a story about a guy awkwardly chatting her up after she posed nude in his art class. It’s familiar and cozy and Raven lies her head on Kori’s shoulder and closes her eyes, letting herself unwind.

“-turned him down as gently as possible but-” sudden pause makes Raven open her eyes and straighten her back. She follows Kori’s eyes to the dress in her hands.

It’s a simple summer dress. Blue, with spaghetti straps and straight across neckline. Nothing that might draw your attention if you saw it on a street.

Not unless you know stories behind it. Raven puts her hand on Kori’s forearm, stroking it lightly. “You’re sure you don’t want to get rid off it? I mean…”

“Yeah, no.” Kori pauses for a minute, covers Raven’s hand with her own. “One day it won’t be the same dress, you know? I want to make sure of that. New people, new memories. New feelings. And then we’ll see.”

That’s where we differ, Raven thinks. Kori takes strength from reflecting. Cannot undo what was done to you so subvert your blemish, reshape yourself, force your past to reckon with you. Kori is the one pulling the trigger of the rifle in the third act. Raven turns away from burned bridges, refuses to take a look back, pain of heat prickling on skin almost washing out words “you’re lucky to have escaped from the fire”.

She takes the dress from Kori’s hands, folds it and puts it under other folded clothes.

They will order takeout and Kori will tease her some more. Later this week she will come to the meeting with her, listen to her talking about the dress and hold her hand. After that they will grab a coffee. One day it will be Raven’s turn to bury her past at the bottom of a drawer and Kori will be the one holding her hand.

Rinse, lather, repeat. That’s what healing is.

##  *******

    
There was one thing Raven was sure she wasn't – resolute. Pretending, however, is a talent of hers and in this case all it took was channeling her inner Kori.

Cass is sitting across from her in a coffee shop nearby the studio. Raven knows she’s trying to look calm and casual, stirring sugar in her coffee and lounging in her chair, but she knows she’s curious why Raven asked her to come here.

Raven dares to reach out and poke Cass’ arm with her pointing finger. “You wanted to figure me out. So talk. Give something first.”

Cass’ raises brows. “You’re very good at starting conversations.” Her mouth quirks at Raven’s eye roll. “I don’t like to talk.”

“No. You like to watch, right? That’s you language. That’s how you knew… you knew more than I was willing to give.”

Cass hums in agreement. “You know the story. Everyone does.”

Raven grasps her cup tighter, braces herself. “I do. But I want to know you.”

There’s a split second, a terrifying fleeting moment, where she thinks she might have scared Cass, surprise passing through her eyes, as if that wasn't what she was expecting. Raven holds her breath when Cass’ back hunches, her arms coming to rest heavily on the table. „My dad was… wasn't a good man. Not very kind. I’m happy I’m not with him now.” She looks at Raven sharply.”And I love him.”

Raven nods. She might not know the feeling but she understands. „I’m sorry.”

How can those dark eyes sharpen even more? „I don’t need it.”

Raven hopes her own gaze challenges Cass’ or at least reflects quick flash of childish daring in her chest. „Well, you have it. And I wouldn't mind some of yours.”

Cass grins at that, her foot nudging Raven’s under the table. „Well, you have it.”

Ah, here she is. The Cass she’s used to. Raven leans forwards, lets their arms brush. “Where is your dad now?”

This strange, curious look was to be expected, given that she admitted to knowing the story. She holds her ground, though. „In prison.”

Raven smiles unwittingly. „Glad I didn't have to be the first one to say that.” Cass chuckles at that and Raven didn't realize how much tension settled in both of them until she notices it’s gone. She watches Cass take another sip. “Do you have your answers now?”

Cass leans back, stretches her legs. “No. More questions. You can’t get rid off me easily now.”

She teases but Raven’s heart jumps. She thinks she’d like to know her answers one day.

##  *******

“This is disgusting.  _You_  are disgusting.”

Cass’ mouth quirks as she calmly continues dipping her fries in honey. What. The. Fuck. “Hmm, no, I’m just… strange. You know salt and vinegar chips? Dick covers them in Nutella. That’s what you can consider disgusting.”

Raven cringes.  _What. The. Hell._  “I knew there was something off about him. It’s that smile, looks like he's hiding something.”

Cass chortles, tips her head forward, her hair covering her face now. “I think it’s… interesting. How different things can be for people.” She looks through the diner window.”It’s not something I was used to.”

Raven considers her for a moment. “That’s what fascinated me about books, you know? The number of ways in which few people can describe the exact same image. How there’s no proper way to do so, just one that fits you best.” She stirs sugar in her coffee.”That wasn't something  _I_ was used to.”

The diner is quite loud at this time of the evening, drunk people coming and going, waitresses playing up their costumer service voices, some kid loudly complaining behind them. Somehow, it doesn't bother either of them.

Cass pushes her fries forward, kicks Raven’s shin. “Try it. C'mon.”

For a brief moment she wants to protest but the intent behind Cass’ actions seems to go beyond silly fries. Alright then. She reaches out to her plate, her eyes widening a bit when the taste spreads in her mouth.

Cass grins.  _Cheeky._  “Words, please.”

Her exasperated eye roll may be a bit exaggerated. “It’s… good. Surprising. I don’t have your sweet tooth but I guess I can see the appeal.” The sigh is very exaggerated. “You win, happy?”

Cass has tiny dimples when she smiles wide like this. Raven gives the fries double points for making her do that. “Yes. Very much so.”

##  *******

It’s slow which isn't surprising to Raven. It’s also comfortable which is shocking.

Oh, Cass is daunting most of the time, that’s for sure. She’s stubborn, argumentative, always wants to take charge of their… meetings (date is a dangerous word, date implies step after step after step, building up something bigger than Raven is ready to face now), subdues to Raven’s persistence with looks full of suffering and sighs indicating her great sacrifice. She’s quiet, infuriating, self-assured, a little too know-it-all and she’s absolutely, terrifyingly, ground-moving-beneath-your-feet-ly incredible.

That’s probably the most shocking for her. She’s in  _awe_. Cass is so in tune with her, pushing boundaries where Raven can take it, dropping subjects at the tiniest strain in her face, reaching for her when the space seems too empty, shifting away when it gets too crowded, guessing endings of sentences, never saying them out loud. It’s astounding, how much thought one can carry over with their body.  _Cass_  is astounding.

Raven sees a lot underneath that cool, calm exterior too. She has her own set of powers, not as impressive as Cass’ but just enough to read her. She knows when Cass lies to her, omits some truths, there’s the tiniest fraction of a second where she hesitates, as if part of her wants to tell the truth, the tiniest least noticeable moment that fills Raven with giddy naive joy, before she shuts it down (“My mother is Chinese. That’s all I know about her”). She noticed how she moves quickly to take the chair facing the door, the window, never ones away from them. Cass reminds her of a sleeping cat sometimes, seemingly relaxed, without a care in the world but alert, ready to jump out if needed.

It should scare her but it only makes her feel like she’s allowed to lower her own defenses.

Which is what should terrify her even more.

The problem, though? It doesn't.

##  *******

“You've got to be kidding.”

Cass only sends her her cockiest grin which, combined with the rest of the image she presents right now, sends few shivers down Raven’s spine. She’s quite a picture, clad in black leather, short jacket emphasizing her waist, dark shiny motorcycle underneath her.

_God._  It’s like she knows exactly what chord to struck before Raven knows herself. Or maybe Raven is just basic enough there’s no need to guess.

Cass leans forward, props her elbows on the handlebars, neckline of her tank top loosely dropping down with the movement.  _God._  “Told you I’m taking you somewhere.”

“Oh, you? I thought that was Cass talking, not her evil twin sister.”

Cass raises her brow, mischief in her eyes. “Like I can’t see you like it.”

Sometimes Raven wishes she was with someone with whom she could talk her way out of things like this. That’s part of the charm, though, she guesses.

Besides, if she sits behind Cass, she will have to loop her arms around the middle, right below her jacket. She has seen those tight muscles before, wondered how they would feel against her palms.

_God_ , Cass really knows how to play her.

##  *******

It’s a small forest with a lake in the middle of it, hours away from Gotham. Greenwood, with birds singing in the trees, scurrying squirrels, crispy leaves rustling under their feet on a short walk to the lake. Raven breathes deeply; she’s been here once before, right after they moved. She’s never been a fan of nature, the forest seemed too dark, too quiet, too dead. Right now, with Cass by her side, sun shines through the trees, reflecting in bright, clear water.

Thank you, universe, she could take a hint when she saw one.

“We have a summer house, there, behind those trees,” Cass points to the other side of the lake.

  
“You have a summer house. Of course,” Raven links their arms. She can see a parting in the trees, probably where a path leading to the house is. She stalked Cass, and by extension her family, excessively online, watched every relevant interview on Youtube, went through blogs, gossip sites and fansites (as any sensible person would in the twenty first century, she reasons). Despite numerous appearances, stories told and candids taken, she has to admit to herself that she has hard time imagining Wayne family doing normal family things, just going on with their lives. Might be partially because she has a hard time imagining normal family things on their own, though. “All of you come here in the summer?”

Cass knows what she’s asking about. “Last time Bruce was here was two or three years ago? We used to visit for weekends when I was younger.” Cass throws her a curious look. “You don’t seem to like him much.”

“No, I just…” She has to consider this for a while. She has never met him but truth be told she couldn't imagine liking him. Devil-may-care, fun, spoiled Peter Pan attitude could only get you so far before it gets annoying. She looks at Cass, at questions in her eyes, the way she looks like she’s a little bit afraid of her answer. She knows why, she’s heard her speak about him few times. “You admire him,” she starts carefully.”Look up to him, I can see it. I can see how much too. I don’t see how it happened, that’s all. His…  _persona_ , I guess, would have to be so much different from reality.” She cocks her brows teasingly. ”Unless he inspires you to be even more infuriating, that is.”

Cass swats her arm lightly before settling her hand on her shoulder. “It is different. He’s… we’re alike. More than you’d think.” She looks away, to the other side of the lake, where the path would be. “First person who felt alike.” After a moment she looks at Raven again. “You’d like him. It’s not like you don’t know about appearances.”

She’s not so sure about it but whenever Cass speaks about Wayne her eyes soften and it makes Raven’s heart do the same in response. Maybe she would. “Not positive appearances. Or positive father figures. You always manage to surprise me, though, maybe you took it after someone.”

Cass grins, pokes her cheek playfully. “Ah, don’t give him credit for my greatest talent.”

Raven huffs a laugh, watches few ducks land on the lake. “I grew up near a forest, you know.”

“How was it?”

“Big. Closed off. Peaceful? I hated it.” Cass hums, rubs her arm. Raven leans against her, the sound of wind moving leaves comforting her for the first time.

##  *******

She’s not falling – that’s the scary part.

She can see the drop, mind too clouded with fright to assess how big, she can see it beneath her, right there but she’s not falling. She feels wobbly, tries to keep steady on her hands and knees but every moves feels like it could send her spiraling down. Breath and heartbeat quickens, she sees the ground ahead of her and slowly, carefully tries to crawl her way there but she’s shaking, trembling with pressure and fear, her stomach lurches and right then, right there her hand slips and it’s  _done_ -

Raven wakes up suddenly, breath caught in her throat, wet pillow under her cheek. She tries to control her breathing, kicks away blankets so they don’t stick to sweaty skin and checks time on her phone.

5:30 am.

Two hours of sleep, must be a new record for her.

She sighs, reaches out to her bedside drawer. She will get through one full cycle of sleep one night on her own.

Not this night apparently.

##  *******

Raven has read about liminality once before. The mind place where everything seems out of context, a little bit altered, the place in-between your worlds; your brain struggling to make sense of hows and whys behind them.

Empty schools, snowy mornings, rest stops, supermarkets at midnight.

Empty dance rooms.

Raven loops her arms around her knees. „How are you even allowed to be here now?”

Cass turns her face to the side a little to look at her from the corner of her eye. „Bruce sponsors many ideas. Comes with benefits.” She lazily flips through songs on CD player in front of her. „You looked stiff in class. You’re relaxed now. Why?”

Raven can feel her shoulder muscles go stiff again at the question and takes few minutes to relax them. Cass never means to pry and Raven never means to feel attacked. „You know how I feel about dancing. Plus, I’m a little off now.”

Cass raises an eyebrow. „Ah. The crimson horror.” Raven rolls her eyes. Sometimes Cass makes her glad she didn't grow up with brothers. „I take extra classes once a month, helps unwind.”

Raven cringes. „Well, guess I’m the odd egg here then.”

Cass snorts at her. She stops flipping through songs, puts on some slow rhythms and in a swift, cat-like motion she is up before Raven even blinks and a second later she’s being pulled to her feet by hands. “Dance with me.”

Raven barely dares to breath out when Cass’ arm sneaks around her waist, fingers of the other tentatively resting on her forearm. She doesn't like dancing, not because she’s not good at it or too insecure, the mere act bores her and never gives her joy. This isn't about dancing, though, not really.

She might like this.

She presses their hands together, raising then up and tangling their fingers, puts her other hand on Cass’ shoulder. Cass takes it as an answer and starts leading her in a simple four steps move. It’s clumsy and Raven feels like even with spins they don’t move much, making small steps in a tiny circle but Cass’ hand is warm and a bit clammy in her own and she’s mouthing the lyrics and they are so close she can feel her chest rising with every breath and that tingling feeling in her gut is spreading, making her a little shaky, a little more daring so she closes the small space between them, rests her chin on Cass’ shoulder, breathes in her scent and it’s just laundry detergent and soap but it’s making her dizzy and she  _likes_  it-

-and then Cass drops her hand to put it around Raven’s back and she snuggles their cheeks and she’s humming in a low voice, Raven can feel her throat vibrate from where it rests near her shoulder, she doesn’t really hear the words, barely registers the music now and no matter when it ends it will be too soon.

The song does end eventually and it’s quiet now. Cass strokes her back few times and steps back. There’s a smile on her face and something undefinable in her eyes. „Wasn't bad, hm?”

Cass hand is holding hers now. She realizes she still hates dancing.

No. No, it really wasn't.

It was amazing, actually.

##  *******

There’s some heavy creature sitting on her chest.

Raven can’t see it but it has to be there or else why would her breath be so shallow? She turns to the other side, tries to shake off the monster but it only buries its claws deep in her chest, nuzzles into her sternum, curls up behind her ribs.

She tries to open her eyes but light seems too bright. It can’t be the sun, isn't it too early? Or too late? She should get up to turn it off but her body feels like it’s made of lead and besides, when she closes eyes it’s not that bad, she can always block it out with a blanket, if only she manages to raise arms that high.

She thinks there’s faint buzzing somewhere on the back of her mind, it could be just the monster humming, it could be from the outside. It doesn't really matter either way.

The monster snuggles deeper into her chest, its tail brushing her throat, making it close up, her eyes dampening a bit. This isn't that bad.

She could get used to it.

##  *******

There’s worry in Arella’s eyes and stones in Raven’s stomach.

“I just… if you’re not coping I need you to tell me, you know I will do anything…”

“I’m fine,” Raven states firmly, probably for tenth time today. Pounding in her head is only getting worse with every time; she digs nails into her palm to keep herself from flinching. “I just had a bad day, nothing big.”

Arella rubs her forehead, her shoulders drop. “I need you to be okay,” she whispers. She looks small and weak and Raven feels sick.

They are nothing alike. Arella is a storm waiting to happen, a dormant volcano, soldiering through chapter after chapter, till she gets the ending she wants. Arella causes the wave, as enormous as possible, to snatch as many people as possible; Raven is the one she carries.

Her mother needs someone to live for, Raven knows that, she’s been the source of her strength since she can recall. There’s probably a whole other can of issues to be examined in that but it’s not hers to open.

She wonders if being strong for two requires draining the other one.

“I’m fine,” she repeats. She will make sure it’s true, somehow.

##  *******

“So, you’re still alive.”

Raven pinches her nose, wishes Cass could see her over the phone but there’s a zit on her chin and spaghetti sauce stain on her sweater so facetiming might be fatal for her ego. “I know. I know, I’m sorry. I just… I couldn't. I, um… I just couldn't.”

There’s silence on Cass’ side. Raven counts her heartbeats, her stomach dropping with every double digit before Cass speaks up again. “Alright. Can you be ready in twenty minutes?”

Alright. She didn't expect that but she doesn't believe she’s in any position to argue. “I guess so? I mean depending on what you…”

“Good. We’ll pick you up.”

She hangs up and Raven spills her milk, too surprised to care.

_We???_

##  *******

None of Bruce Wayne’s children are actually related, Raven knows that. However, she also knows that she would recognize Cass’ bright grin everywhere, the one lighting up her whole face, reaching her eyes, making beaming sparks appear in them. And right now she’s looking at that smile on Dick Grayson’s face.

“I’d say I've heard a lot about you but we both know it’s not exactly true. Unless Steph’s dramatic reenactments count, of course.”

She ignores his outstretched hand, keeps her own in coat pockets. “Well, I can safely say I’ve heard a lot. Coupled with Steph’s dramatic reenactments, of course.”

Dick lets her get away with her rudeness, runs his hand through his hair and laughs. It’s a nice sound, low but vocal. He takes a look at Cass who’s watching them closely. “Okay, okay, I know when to excuse myself. Don’t hurt her and all that stuff you probably figured out yourself by now. See you at dinner, kid.” He ruffles Cass’ hair quickly before ducking her lazy swat and walks away.

Raven looks after him before he disappears around a corner. She thought she was prepared for Cass’ gaze but now she thinks she could use a third wheel. “He’s…”

“Yes. He is.” Cass hooks her pointing finger in Raven’s sleeve and tugs lightly. “Lets walk.”

She wishes Cass would say something first, fears what her words might be. Silence fits them well most of the time but now it’s filled with doubt and Raven can feel it settle in her muscles. Cass is still watching her and she tries to even her breathing, despite knowing that she can see her effort.

Raven feels a tug on her wrist and in half a heartbeat she finds herself facing Cass, one hand holding Raven’s own, fingers of the other brushing scratches reaching up to her wrist and beyond.

There’s no reason to be afraid. No reason to be ashamed, even; Cass knows. Cass understands. Yet, Raven can’t stop the tremble in her chest. She can’t see Cass’ expression but she’s glad; she doesn't know how she would react to it now.

She closes her eyes, feels few more light strokes before she can hear a soft, quiet voice. “You thought I was mad. I was… I was scared.  _You_ scared me.” There’s a strain in those words, thin dam keeping the flood away.

Raven thinks she knows what the flood holds. “You haven’t been scared in a while, have you?”

She looks at Cass and their eyes meet. Raven’s breath catches. No, she thinks, she hasn't, probably had to have the idea explained to her. There’s fear in those eyes now, though.

Cass swallows. “You  _always_ pick up. I didn't know what to do.”

Raven’s heart swells in her chest, she feels like it could burst any minute now, ground under her feet shifting into nothing. Cass should never,  _never,_  look so helpless. Like one heavier blow could crumble her into pieces, never to be put together again.

That’s the issue here, isn't it? She assumed that. Just like Cass assumed she could never be out of her depth. Letting people in, giving them power to steer their well-being by, unrelated to them, actions was not something they were used to.

Raven pulls Cass closer to her, raises her hand to her cheek. Almost chokes up when she snuggles into it, drops a butterfly kiss there.

“You’re not my savior, Cass, do you hear me?” She says firmly.”I don’t need one.”

Cass takes a heavy breath. “Okay. Okay, I just…” She huffs out a laugh.”You’re okay. We will be okay, yes? Yes. We will… figure it out.”

Raven smiles back, her chest feeling lighter than ever before.

She can’t be strong for both of them. Neither of them can. It wouldn't hold up either.

They can meet in the middle, though.

##  *******

Everything she said to Cass was true, she’s sure of that. She doesn't need, doesn't want a savior, nor does she want to be one. She’s not anyone’s responsibility, nor is she anyone’s crutch.

She lies down with her laptop and hesitates briefly.

She’s not sure what she wants or what she is most of the time. One thing she should have realized earlier, though – she is not her mother. She doesn't need a complex support system, she doesn't need to make a difference or to be a cautionary tale. She just needs to learn how to  _be._

She needs someone to guide her through it, though. But this time she will search on her own terms.

##  *******

Cass’ apartment could have been many things. Minimalist, chic, elegant, simple, possibly with a lot of thought put into decor, definitely pristine and organized. It could have been many things, yet, as Raven should have expected by now, it turned out not to be any of them.

Oh, it is spatial, of course it is, with many more rooms than necessary for one person and simplistic furniture, probably worth more than Raven’s whole flat. “Pristine” and “well-organized”, on the other hand, are nowhere close, probably not even in the same galaxy. Actually, careful piloting around clothes and other more and less recognizable things got Raven wonder whether Cass knew the purpose of many cupboards and drawers available in her house.

For a space so cluttered, Raven realizes, it surprisingly lacks many personal things. Or maybe not surprisingly, Raven should have known better after all.

She moves to a sword rack on the wall. “You sword-fight too? Or are you just a show off?”

Cass clicks tongue at her. “Obviously, both. I can use swords, I just don’t. But I like those.” She pats a place next to her on the couch. When Raven takes it, she runs a hand up and down her arm, raising goosebumps along the way. “Something bothers you.”

There are swords, sticks, gym clothes, a whole training room beneath them. There’s a question to be answered. „You take me dancing, you take me shopping, you take me to the movies. You never take me fighting.”

„It’s not your language.”

Raven furrows her brow, settles closer to Cass’ side. „Pardon?”

Cass fiddles with her sleeve for few minutes. That’s not new but unusual; she rarely needs to steady herself while looking for words. This only makes Raven’s body fill with anticipation. „When I first came here… it was bad. I had those… feelings. Complete mess inside. And Bruce didn't know because I couldn't tell him. One day we argued on the street and I didn't listen and almost got hurt… badly hurt. He didn't say anything to me for few days… and then he taught me stick-fighting. It was… good. Familiar. And he understood. I got my first hug ever that day, you know?” There’s a hand on the back of her hand; she leans against it.” You don’t fight. If I took you… it wouldn't mean anything. You’d do it for me but there would be… no  _you_  in it. This,” she runs a finger along Raven’s jaw,” this is you. And words.”

Raven’s mouth is almost too dry for her to speak. “It’s not  _your_  language, though,” she says carefully.

“It is. You make it so. Your body, it…” she runs her hand up Raven’s arm, brushes hair away from her shoulder, rests it on the back of her neck, ” _you_  react to them. I don’t know words but I know  _you_. That’s my language.” She scrunches up her nose. “Words are… not easy. So I don’t bother.”

Heat pools in Raven’s stomach. „You bother with me,” she says softly.

„It’s easy with you,” Cass frowns, looks down in deep thought. ”Everything is easy with you.”

Simple words shouldn't create complicated emotions.

Yet, they do.

She licks her lips, decision made in a nick of time but her voice weak and unsure when the words come out. “I want to tell you something.”

Cass hums, looks up with a question in her eyes. Raven answers, leans in and then their lips meet and they are kissing, Cass catching up on her thought in half a second, sliding her hand down her back, bringing the other to her face, Cass starts slowly, gently, Raven’s heart trembles and soon they don’t care, they don’t care, there are hungry kisses, starving, carnal, seeking, exploring, falling apart and coming together, there are fingers in her hair and bruising her thighs and she throws her arms around Cass’ neck, laughs against her mouth, tries to press closer and closer, throws her leg over Cass’ lap, straddles her, traces scars on her skin, arches her back when she feels firm hands ghost over it and there’s no weakness in her, not now, not with Cass’ skin and scent and taste all over her, not when she cups her face to bring their mouths together, kiss her with more force and Raven feels fervent, aflame and God but above all she longs, no, yearns-

They part eventually, their breaths heavy, their faces flushed. Cass regains her composure first, her voice shaky and breathy, her face flushed, her lips, God, her lips. “Okay. Consider yourself understood.”

Raven laughs and they kiss and embrace and her head is spinning.

##  *******

Thinking about future was easy back when her mind could easily set a deadline to it. Thinking about future now is terrifying.

Technically college pamphlets currently laid out in front of her on the kitchen table can’t look at her mockingly but she could swear that somehow they manage. God. Advice on choosing majors must be head-to-head with “you should try yoga” and “it’s all about your attitude” for the most useless advice in history of humanity award. “Pick something you love, something suitable for your personality” what a joke. Figuring out those two is a full-time intense course itself.

Raven pinches the bridge of her nose, wills the upcoming headache to go away. Maybe she should just lie down on the floor and wait for sun to explode and destroy them all.

Front door opens and she moves fast, putting brochures in a drawer and closing it fast. She has no idea why she does that but decides to trust her instincts; so far they've done her more good than her head.

##  *******

Seeing Cass in her room seems wrong somehow. She seems too full of stories, ideas, marks of those before and after, all clashing together, demanding to be out in the open, somehow creating her wholesome sound demeanor. She’s too contradictory for this space, with its empty desk and color-coded bookshelf. As if the two belonged in different worlds and colliding them might fracture framework of their reality.

Which, Raven realizes as Cas runs her finger down the band poster on the wall, might not be that far from the truth.

„You a fan?”

Raven makes a humming sound. „Yes if my mom asks. I put it up when we first moved in so she wouldn't think I’m not  _settling in_  and I've been getting their CDs for every holiday ever since. I kind of hope they break up at this point.”

Cass smiles at her and Raven clenches her skirt, trying to ignore hot and heavy  feeling in her stomach.

„What are its words then?” Cass asks, lounging comfortably on the bed next to her.

Raven doesn't look behind her at the poster, she looks at the bare wall in front of her instead, chooses her words carefully. „Fret. Vex. Sorrow?” She blinks and looks at Cass. „You’re enjoying this game a little too much, aren't you?”

Cass reaches out to pick at loose thread in Raven’s sleeve. „You have words for everything. What are my?”

„Mine,” Raven corrects her absentmindedly. She tentatively reaches out with her thumb to brush over Cass’ hand. „Unbecoming is what you are.”

„Unbecoming,” Cass repeats. The word seems to take more meanings in her mouth, as they usually do. „I like it.”

Of course you do, Raven thinks. That’s why it fits.

##  *******

Cass is so…  _conscientious_  in everything she does and Raven wonders if it’s a strange quality to be attracted to but right now she could swear it was the best one, with Cass kissing her deeply, slowly, hands roaming over her body, every place they can reach, brushing over her cheekbones, tangling in her hair, settling on her neck before sweeping down, down, to her hip, heating up strip of naked skin between her shirt and skirt, flaming up coals in her stomach and every so often she whispers Raven’s name against her lips, low, with reverence, softness in it spreading the flames in her stomach all over her.

It’s  _lovely_ , wonderful, breathtaking and then Cass mover her hand up, under her shirt, over bare stomach, right below the scars, and Raven’s heart skips a beat, her stomach turns and she moves fast, catches her hand, steels herself, prepares to move away-

\- but Cass only murmurs “ _okay”_  against her, gets her hand out of her grip, cups her face, catches her lower lip between hers and Raven can only kiss her back because she’s just  _too much_  for her,  _she_  is lovely,  _she_  is breathtaking but Raven can’t find the words to tell her that, not now, not for a while…

So she just strokes her hand down her back, tugs at her shirt, pulls her closer. She knows Cass understands.

##  *******

Cass sits up as soon as the door opens.

Arella blinks, takes in the scene in front of her, Raven’s flushed face and rumpled shirt. “Um, hi, I will… I will be in the kitchen then.”

She leaves and Cass chuckles and Raven’s heart feels tight in her chest. She can’t tell whether it’s fondness or nerves. Both, probably.

##  *******

“So,” Arella taps her fingers on the table. Raven gets it – Cass can be more than unnerving. “You’re Bruce Wayne’s kid, right?”

“Yes,” Cass replies, seemingly completely at ease but Raven can see tension in her shoulders. “One of many.”

Arella smiles. “Well, at least with you I can be sure which one you are.” She relaxes a bit and puts more sugar in her tea.”So, you met in ballet class?”

Raven can see the “a mother knows best” bragging coming but she stays quiet for now. She’ll give her mother this one. “Cass is the best in her class, you know,” she says. “She’s also the best in Kori’s krav maga class.”

Arella looks impressed and Cass looks flustered. Raven smiles slightly, feeling a pleasant surge of affection for both of them.

“I am,” Cass says finally. She looks down, carefully chooses her next words. “Dancing is… a lot like fighting. They are languages with same… tools? But different meanings.” Cass smiles, a small, private smile, like she’s the only one in on the joke and she likes it. “Different meanings for different people.”

They sit in silence for few minutes. Raven can see in her mother’s eyes that she’s slowly considering Cass’ words. She sees warm twinkle in her gaze and even though she knew Cass would find her way to Arella’s heart, like she has under Raven’s skin, she feels relieved. Seeing something fall into place is a privilege she has yet to get used to.

Cass’ phone lights up with a new notification. “Dick is waiting downstairs,” she gets up and without a moment of hesitation brushes away Raven’s hair to stroke her cheek lightly. “See you.”

“See you,” Raven manages to breath out, trying to sound as casual as possible. And probably failing.

Cass says goodbye to Arella and leaves the two of them alone in the kitchen.

Arella bites her lip. „She’s…” she starts and stops.

„A nice girl” would be a proper ending for that sentence. Casual but overplayed enough to be understood as an invite to elaborate. But it doesn’t really fit this time, does it? So „I know” is all Raven responds.

They sit in silence for a moment, each sorting through things that could or should be said.

„I do know you, right?” Arella asks eventually, watching her daughter with the same alert, cautious gaze as earlier. Raven understands. It has been their language for too long not to.

„You do,” she replies, meeting her mother’s gaze.

„You’re saying so but I might have let few things slip when I wasn't looking…”

„You couldn't have” Raven interferes. „You couldn't have when I've done so. When it’s too new.”

Arella considers her for few moments. „Well,” she says finally, „both of us need some walking through then, don’t we? Any idea where to start?”

Raven thinks about spacious apartments and messy computer rooms. Brothers, sisters,  confidantes. Pointe shoes, songs, mirrors. Bikes, lakes, forests. Honey, fries, swords, kisses, leather, sweaters, late night texts, dinner dates…

Words, words, words.

„She likes Oreos” she says finally.

Arella rubs her forehead, laces her fingers on top of the table. „Oreos it is then”, she  complies.

##  *******

For what it’s worth, Gotham isn't a very sunny city. It’s a place of coats billowed by cold wind, blue-ish gray and crowded indoors. It’s tough and unforgiving and Raven has never longed to be away from it.

She can’t really blame Cass for insisting on visiting Robinson Park on the first and probably last warm day of the year, even though the crowd and the noise usually make her head throb with pain.

Thankfully, it’s easy to drown out with Cass resting her head in her lap. As soon as they found a free bench she lied down, putting her feet up on its arms. Raven decided to just go with it and ignore old ladies’ scowls.

Cass catches her hand to tangle their fingers on top of her stomach. “Hmm. So I did good.”

Raven brushes her hair away from her forehead. “Mom was impressed. If not intimidated.”

“So you’re proud… of what a good catch I am.”

Raven rolls her eyes. Cheeky little thing. “Don’t make me reconsider that.”

Cass loud laugh makes few heads turn and Raven relaxes against her seat, tips her head back to enjoy the sun, squeezes Cass’ hand briefly.

It’s not something she thought she would ever love. Cass takes space; she lounges on every flat surface imaginable, leaves her coat on free chairs, laughs loudly, elbows her way through crowds, sits with her legs spread. Raven has seen her stealth before, she knows how deliberate every single one of her moves is. She’s here and she wants people to be aware of it at all times.

Raven was surprised by how much it made her want to claim some of that space, move her legs out of the way, walk arm in arm, press against her side. Even more surprised, although pleased, when Cass gladly let her.

It makes her think that one day she might be just as brave.

Eventually, Cass checks time on her phone and springs to her feet. “We’re gonna be late.”

Raven blinks. “To what?”

Cass smiles, the kind of smile that makes Raven want to run her fingertips along her laugh lines.

„I met someone yours, you’ll meet someone mine.”

##  *******

For Cass’ many impressing qualities describing people is not one of them.

If it wasn't for Steph’s flowery descriptions, Raven would expect Babs to be some 90s sitcom mother-Jane Bennet hybrid, all kind smiles, overwhelming, a bit tiring warmth, fussing and unconditional patience.

Well, the unconditional tough affection is more like it.

Barbara is much taller than her or Cass (which, Raven has to admit, is not hard to accomplish), she has quite muscular upper body, even more accentuated by her tank top. She moves and talks and looks like she could take on anything you might throw at her and probably have done so before. Raven can see where Cass’ love and admiration for this girl comes from; she makes her think about Kori, although warmth in Kori’s eyes has no toughness or sharpness Barbara’s does, it’s more beaming and radiant. Strength and fondness stay the same, though.

Babs smiles. “I feel like I should be honored that you decided to introduce me before almost anyone else.”

Cass smiles back at her from her place on the floor. They are in Barbara’s office, small computer room with every flat surface covered by documents. Squeezing in two chairs was apparently too much work for Cass so she just sat down and stretched out her legs on the floor next to Babs’ wheelchair, pulling Raven down with her.

“Yes. And Bruce will be last.”

Barbara snorts into her coffee. “After the freak out he pulled with Dick I can’t blame you. And this time it’s his daddy’s girl he would have to worry about.” She sets down her mug and turns to face the computer screen. “Then you told him you’re here because?”

“Reading practice.”

“Ah, reading practice. Haven’t done one of those in a while, have you?” Barbara glances at Raven out of the corner of her eye. “Though, she does seem to have a… quite exceptional for her vocabulary lately. Care to solve the mystery, hm?”

Raven refuses to acknowledge her blush but still feels a little proud. “Yeah, I will take a credit for that, thank you.”

“You should. Getting her to do any of her linguistics work done  is nothing short of ordeal.”

Cass shrugs, seems a little pleased even. “I’m good without it.”

Babs rolls her eyes. Raven feels Cass’ hand brush her leg.

Nothing in it feels normal but it’s comfortable. For a while she lets herself indulge in a feeling that she could get used to it.

##  *******

“I wouldn't call it a freak out, not really. He was just a bit… overeager in his support.  You should have seen the parade that year, you could find boa feathers everywhere weeks after. That’s why Jason never told him, it was too much even for him.”

Raven can’t help but laugh. Dick looks surprised at the sound but happy with himself. “Is that why there are so many flags here? Seemed a bit odd.”

“Yeah, every newcomer wonders about it. Wayne Enterprises offers also a various range of scholarships for queer students in need. This city will never know how much it owes me.” Dick shakes his head and when he looks at her next his eyes are serious. “But you’re okay, right?”

“It’s fine. She said she suspected this for a while, mother always knows and all that. I feel like it had more to do with my bookshelf but she won’t confirm it.”

They walk down the street in silence for a while before Dick speaks up. “Kori would say that some things change perspective. You know what is and isn't worth stressing out over.”

“Kori wouldn't just say it, she has said it before. I've known her for few years, I have all her lessons memorized.” She glares at Dick a little. “Admit it, you’re glad I met Cass because you could meet Kori. I can see right through you, Dick Grayson.”

“How dare you think so little of me.The more people, the better, Cass isn't the only one who took after Bruce when it comes to picking up strays, you know.

”Hmmm, I didn't introduce you two so you could gossip about me.”

“You know me, I live for drama. Living with my brothers does that to a person. And Kori loves you so she worries.” Dick beams at her, throws an arm around her shoulders. “Besides, we don’t gossip only about you. Alfred saw Kate and Diana having dinner together last week, my group chat has been blowing up.”

Raven laughs again. She seems to be doing that a lot around him.

##  *******

“You act like you don’t want to but you fit in there, you know?” Cass squeezes her side, bring them closer together in their one-sided hug. Street light turns green and Raven catches her arm, steadying herself on her heels, bypassing a manhole.

“Hmm, I’m very good at faking personalities in a proper get-up, years of practice do that to you. Fancy restaurants make it even easier.”

Cass chuckles, strokes her side, sliding her palm over her coat. “Oh, I know every secret of your… fakeness. I don’t mean that. It’s not you but you felt good there. Confident. You stick out your chin when you do,” she drops a kiss on her jaw when Raven snorts, smiles against her skin.

“You took me out tonight to check how much of a good trophy wife I am, Cassie?” Raven raises her eyebrow, dares to put affectionate tones in her voice.

Cass scrunches up her nose a bit at the nickname, pokes her in the side playfully. “No. I did it for the dress. Don’t make my… motives so sly, please.”

Raven laughs, ducks her head to cover blush on her face. She’s aware Cass knows it’s there; realness doesn't equal confidence, though.

##  *******

“Honestly, for someone so brilliant, you’re kind of stupid, you know that?”

Raven groans, puts her arm over her eyes. “Thank you, Kori. That’s exactly what I need right now, a fresh glass of self-deprecation.”

“Anything for you, baby.”

She’s far too amused for Raven’s liking, stretched out on her couch with  _that_ glossy magazine on her lap. Raven is either close to a breakdown or she can swear she knows which part of  _that_  article her eyes land on at any moment. It’s not that far from the realm of reality, she thinks, she could probably quote it by now, word by word, recollections of Cass’ previous potential  _flames_ , few gushy words about this one being so far the most impressive (which, she might not be that mad about this part), descriptions under pictures of them together (well, Kori isn't wrong, she really is stupid not to have seen it coming), few more about what a good-looking couple they make, many more words of concern about longevity of their  _affair_  since Cass seems to have a history of short-lived flings, a joke about Bruce Wayne filling in the US LGBT statistics quota with just his own family.

It’s not anything groundbreaking, it’s just media, there’s nothing slandering in it (she could do without speculations but Cass’ relationships history is nothing new to her), it’s just so unexpected. She should have expected it but she didn't and now she feels exposed, like the entire Gotham caught a glimpse of something that isn't meant for them. Which, it isn't, it is  _theirs_  but she isn't uncomfortable with what they chose to disclose in public. Well, she hasn't been before.

“You really do have a well-defined jaw, you know. Dunno if you could cut diamonds with it but technically, they aren't wrong.”

“Shut up,” she sits up abruptly, accidentally knocking over a glass, water spilling all over the floor. She sighs deeply, shuts her eyes, counts to ten quickly. “No offence but if I killed myself I wouldn't have to deal with this now.”

“Full offence but if you killed yourself I wouldn't have to listen to your terrible jokes.”

##  *******

Cass throws her arms around Raven’s neck as soon as she opens the door, peppering her cheek with kisses, probably smudging her dark lipstick all over it. Raven feels something in Cass’ hand digging into the back of her head and frowns, waits few more minutes before asking because, well, having Cass pressed up against her is  _nice_. A little more than nice perhaps.

Eventually, she pulls away. “What did you bring?”

Cass hand her a Tupperware full of homemade cookies, takes off her coat and throws herself on the couch. Raven turns around to face her, even more confused than before. Cass doesn't cook. It’s not even that she can’t, she just doesn't, the idea never crossed her mind probably. Raven is not sure she even knows how to work her cooker.

“It’s a gift,” Cass stretches her back and raises her eyebrow, as if she’s surprised Raven haven’t figured it out herself. “From Alfred.”

Raven furrows her brow. “Why would Alfred…”

And then it hits her.

“Oh. My. God.” She breathes out, widening her eyes. ”If Alfred knows who I am…”

“…the news reached the mansion, yes.” Cass watches her internal battle with curiosity for a while before she decides to be merciful. ”Didn't reach everyone. He’s out of the country, you can calm down.”

Raven sits heavily next to her, only slightly calmer. She’s not even nervous, not really, “a strong feeling of upcoming doom” is more accurate. “But when he comes back…”

“… he would like to meet you, yes. And I will be as... non-committal as possible as long as you want me to.”

Raven gives her a smile that probably looks more like a cringe. “As long as I’m alive maybe?”

Cass huffs out a breath, snuggles against her side, pressing her cheek to her shoulder. “He will like you. It doesn't really matter but he will. And I’m between you and him, I've got you,” Raven breathes out slowly and Cass runs a hand down her arm. ”It doesn't bother you, hm? Not that. Just that he knows.”

Bless Cass, honestly. Also, fuck her for knowing exactly where to struck. She shakes her head. “I wasn't ready, okay? It’s dumb but I just wasn't.”

Cass hums, loops her arm around Raven’s waist. “It will blow over soon. I can always ask Jason to start a small scandal. It’s been a while and it would distract Bruce too.”

She has to chuckle at that, though she’s not really sure if Cass is joking. It might not be bad.

At least it’s impossible to be bored.

##  *******

“Your therapist called. I told her you will call back. Once I got over the shock that you even have a therapist.”

_Fuck._ Raven knew lying to her mother never ended well but she wished she could put off this talk for a little more. She wills her body to relax, tries to look as neutral as possible before she turns to Arella. “I wanted to be sure I do before telling you.”

Her mother isn't mad, that’s the problem. Raven knows how to respond to anger, how to fight fire with fire, she has no idea how to deal with  _this._  Arella looks tired, worn down, like she spent so long carrying enormous weight and it finally started to grind her bones to dust. “I thought you were doing okay…”

“I am.” Well, by her standards she is. “I just needed something else, that’s it.”

Arella bites her lip. Raven hates when she does it, has seen this gesture too many times to count. They have been doing this for years, neither of them ready or willing to break the circle. There’s something bubbling inside of her, a feeling she almost forgot, hot furious lava demanding to be let out. She digs nails into her arm under the table, almost chokes up with bile of acid in her throat because this is wrong, this is not her, she won’t  _let it_ be.

Arella rubs her mouth with a shaky hand, looks away from her daughter. “You can’t surprise me like that, Raven. I thought you moved past that, that you’re few steps ahead…”

Fire in her gut flares up, engulfs her heart, almost bursts out of the rib cage and she pounds her hand on the table, raises her voice before she can  _think_. “I’m sorry I’m not as good as you, okay?! But I’m trying, even if you don’t care about that!”

Arella flinches; flame monster in Raven’s stomach cackles, pets her insides, like a mockery of a praise,  _here you go, good girl._

_NO. This is not her._

She gets up, shoves it all down for few more moments because her mom doesn't deserve this, none of this, not now, not after all this, not  _again_. “I need some air.”

Arella knows better than to stop her.

##  *******

„I’m tired, okay? I’m just exhausted and I don’t know what to do with it. I’m trying and I’m trying and it’s exhausting and it’s never enough and I just can’t do more, Cass, I can’t…” She stops, presses her hands to her eyes, tries to take a deep breath. When she speaks up next her voice comes out shaky.”I just… it takes so much to just… why can’t I feel normal?”

„Raven.”

It’s the first thing she’s said since she picked up Raven almost an hour ago and just let her vent. Raven can feel Cass’ arms sneaking around her waist, pressing her back to Cass’ chest. She feels her pressing her cheek to the nape of her neck and a butterfly kiss she lefts there. It’s so simple and so casual and so sweet and so,  _so,_  intimate her throat closes up, leaving her unable to breath. She feels vulnerable, exposed. She should shrug off her arms, say she’s turning in for the night, never bring this up again. She knows if she chose so, Cass would let her.

This, this moment right here, this is important, she thinks.

So instead, she turns around, embraces Cass tight, hides her face in her shoulder and lets out a sob.

She can feel Cass’ fingers in her hair, delicately running down the side of her face, eventually ending up under her chin, lifting it up. Cass’ eyes are dark and more unsure than she could ever imagine her being. She hesitates for a moment and Raven knows she gets it, she knows she realized that this is poignant too so she stays still until Cass makes her decision.

Raven feels her thumb brush against her lower lip and she lets out a breath slowly. „You…”, Cass says quietly and licks her lips.”Who you are, it’s…” a huff and a smile, ”even  _you_  don’t have words for that.”

Raven’s lightheaded, hot feeling in her stomach spreading out, making her knees weak, her breath comes out in short breathy puffs. „Touch me”, she breathes out, not giving herself time to think this through.

Cass’ breath catches, her hand strokes her back. „Is that what you want?”

Raven feels like she’s spent a lifetime learning how to answer this question again and again, to different people, in different rooms, in different voices. She was weary, she was careful, she was lying, she was loathing.

This, right now, this is easy but it makes her  _powerful_. She knows what she wants, better than she has in a long while – she wants to keep it.

„I want you,” she whispers back.

Cass leans in, her grip tightens and Raven lets herself fall.

##  *******

Arella rises from her seat as soon as she hears front door open. Raven closes it slowly behind her, stands still for few heartbeats after, lets her mother take in her eye bags, red eyes and messy hair.

„Are you okay?” She asks in a cautious, taut voice, as if she’s afraid to scare off something delicate.

Raven looks at her mother, her bloody cuticles, bony collarbones, worry wrinkles on her forehead – many more than laugh lines. Her fingers clutch college brochures so tightly she almost digs her fingernails into them.

„No. But I will be.”

This is not a story.

Maybe it doesn't have to be.


End file.
